1
00:06:55,483 --> 00:06:57,583
Everyone, check your email.

2
00:00:03,872 --> 00:00:05,872
The greatest thing that could
ever happen has just happened.

3
00:00:05,874 --> 00:00:07,974
The girl who beat you for
high school valedictorian died?

4
00:00:07,976 --> 00:00:10,676
No, "Kevin Cozner
requests your presence

5
00:00:10,678 --> 00:00:12,678
At Raymond's birthday party."

6
00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:14,180
Who's Kevin Cozner?

7
00:00:14,182 --> 00:00:16,983
Is he the star
of "Danzes with Wolvez?"

8
00:00:16,985 --> 00:00:19,585
He's captain Holt's husband.
Captain Raymond Holt.

9
00:00:19,587 --> 00:00:20,920
We're invited
to the captain's birthday party.

10
00:00:20,922 --> 00:00:23,189
Oh, the captain's party
and whatnot.

11
00:00:23,191 --> 00:00:25,625
I can't wait to see the inside
of Raymond's house.

12
00:00:25,627 --> 00:00:27,593
I'm gonna learn everything
there is to know about him.

13
00:00:27,595 --> 00:00:31,297
I bet it's really fancy,
like beauty and the beast fancy.

14
00:00:31,299 --> 00:00:33,633
No, it's probably just
an empty, white cube

15
00:00:33,635 --> 00:00:35,134
With a usb port in it
for him to plug his finger in

16
00:00:35,136 --> 00:00:36,869
When he's on sleep mode.

17
00:00:36,871 --> 00:00:40,106
Apparently, my husband Kevin
has invited you all to my party.

18
00:00:40,108 --> 00:00:41,807
There is very little
street parking, no gifts,

19
00:00:41,809 --> 00:00:45,111
No singing of happy birthday.
Should be fun.

20
00:00:45,113 --> 00:00:47,613
Sounds fantastic.

21
00:00:47,615 --> 00:00:51,617
Did you hear that?
His husband invited us, not him.

22
00:00:51,619 --> 00:00:52,618
He so doesn't want us there.

23
00:00:52,620 --> 00:00:54,020
Yes, he does.

24
00:00:54,022 --> 00:00:56,856
Mm, it was kind of
a last-minute invite.

25
00:00:56,858 --> 00:00:58,591
Just stirring the pot.

26
00:00:58,593 --> 00:00:59,892
Why wouldn't Holt
want us there?

27
00:00:59,894 --> 00:01:01,694
Because he thinks
we're going to embarrass him

28
00:01:01,696 --> 00:01:04,830
In front of his husband,
which, frankly, is insulting!

29
00:01:04,832 --> 00:01:06,699
Oh, man.

30
00:01:06,701 --> 00:01:08,901
All the orange soda
spilled out of my cereal.

31
00:01:29,791 --> 00:01:32,225
Happy birthday,
you sly, old fox.

32
00:01:32,227 --> 00:01:33,860
How many spankings is it
this year?

33
00:01:33,862 --> 00:01:36,396
Peralta, please.
Save some charm for the party.

34
00:01:36,398 --> 00:01:38,798
Oh, you mean the party that you
begrudgingly invited us to

35
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:40,633
At the last minute
'cause you don't want us there?

36
00:01:40,635 --> 00:01:42,202
I couldn't be happier
you're coming.

37
00:01:42,204 --> 00:01:44,104
And it shows.
I can't wait to meet Kevin.

38
00:01:44,106 --> 00:01:46,172
I assume he's the fun one
in the relationship.

39
00:01:46,174 --> 00:01:48,508
I'm not sure you and Kevin
will get along.

40
00:01:48,510 --> 00:01:50,443
Really?
Well, I disagree.

41
00:01:50,445 --> 00:01:53,179
In fact, I will guarantee you
that by the end of the night,

42
00:01:53,181 --> 00:01:55,215
Kev and I will be
best friends.

43
00:01:55,217 --> 00:01:56,516
He hates being called "Kev."

44
00:01:56,518 --> 00:01:59,219
Or does he?
Yes.

45
00:01:59,221 --> 00:02:01,154
Bam!

46
00:02:01,156 --> 00:02:03,623
Behold, my secret weapon
for winning over Kevin.

47
00:02:03,625 --> 00:02:05,792
In this box
is every grisly crime

48
00:02:05,794 --> 00:02:07,861
The nine-nine has worked
in the past eight years.

49
00:02:07,863 --> 00:02:10,363
Civilians love
juicy cop stories.

50
00:02:10,365 --> 00:02:12,198
Oh, I call that murder
where they strung

51
00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:13,500
Fishing wire
through three guys.

52
00:02:13,502 --> 00:02:15,135
Hey, we solved that
together.

53
00:02:15,137 --> 00:02:16,836
Well, tough tetris.
I called it.

54
00:02:16,838 --> 00:02:19,639
Also, I've loaded all of my
favorite karaoke backing tracks

55
00:02:19,641 --> 00:02:21,307
Onto my phone.

56
00:02:21,309 --> 00:02:23,510
Kevin and I will be duetting
rolling in the deep!

57
00:02:23,512 --> 00:02:25,512
That's it,
emergency squad meeting,

58
00:02:25,514 --> 00:02:27,347
Briefing room,
two minutes.

59
00:02:29,783 --> 00:02:31,351
Uh, adult parties?

60
00:02:31,353 --> 00:02:33,686
Sergeant, I believe
they're called orgies.

61
00:02:33,688 --> 00:02:34,921
No-look five.

62
00:02:34,923 --> 00:02:36,656
I met my wife at an orgy.

63
00:02:36,658 --> 00:02:38,858
Well,
she was leaving an orgy,

64
00:02:38,860 --> 00:02:40,927
And we bumped into each other
on the street.

65
00:02:40,929 --> 00:02:42,629
Real meet-cute.

66
00:02:42,631 --> 00:02:46,299
Thank you for exhibiting exactly
why this meeting is necessary.

67
00:02:46,301 --> 00:02:47,934
Everyone here
needs some instruction

68
00:02:47,936 --> 00:02:50,270
On interacting
with grown-ups.

69
00:02:50,272 --> 00:02:51,671
Sergeant,
why am I here?

70
00:02:51,673 --> 00:02:53,439
I'm always
incredibly appropriate.

71
00:02:53,441 --> 00:02:55,808
In high school, I was voted
"most appropriate."

72
00:02:55,810 --> 00:02:58,378
Ooh, self burn.
Those are rare.

73
00:02:58,380 --> 00:03:00,880
I shouldn't be here either.
I'm fine at parties.

74
00:03:00,882 --> 00:03:03,383
I just stand in the middle of
the room and don't say anything.

75
00:03:03,385 --> 00:03:05,418
Here are the rules:
No staring at your phones,

76
00:03:05,420 --> 00:03:07,220
No rolling in
two hours late.

77
00:03:07,222 --> 00:03:10,290
No sweatpants, no jeans,
and no shorts.

78
00:03:10,292 --> 00:03:11,658
What about dress-up shorts?

79
00:03:11,660 --> 00:03:13,526
For instance, the kind
jen aniston might wear?

80
00:03:13,528 --> 00:03:17,597
No, those are still shorts.
No shorts.

81
00:03:17,599 --> 00:03:18,965
And everyone bring
a bottle of wine.

82
00:03:18,967 --> 00:03:20,700
Why are there so many rules?
I mean, next thing

83
00:03:20,702 --> 00:03:22,502
You're gonna say is
we can't be late.

84
00:03:22,504 --> 00:03:24,404
Yeah, that's, like,
the first thing I said.

85
00:03:24,406 --> 00:03:27,307
Ohh.

86
00:03:28,442 --> 00:03:29,742
This neighborhood's amazing.

87
00:03:29,744 --> 00:03:32,512
Class just seeps
outta every vestibule.

88
00:03:32,514 --> 00:03:35,315
Keep it in your pants,
Santiago.

89
00:03:35,317 --> 00:03:37,450
Scully, I specifically said,
"no shorts."

90
00:03:37,452 --> 00:03:38,985
Sarge, it's not my fault.

91
00:03:38,987 --> 00:03:41,554
You said so many things
about shorts, I got confused.

92
00:03:41,556 --> 00:03:43,256
Man, did I screw the pooch.

93
00:03:43,258 --> 00:03:44,257
Oh.
Peralta,

94
00:03:44,259 --> 00:03:45,592
Where have you been?

95
00:03:45,594 --> 00:03:46,960
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I know,

96
00:03:46,962 --> 00:03:50,230
I am threety-five minutes late.
Yikes!

97
00:03:50,232 --> 00:03:51,998
But I had to stop
and get some wine.

98
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:56,002
Hello, good sir, I'd like your
finest bottle of wine, please.

99
00:03:56,004 --> 00:03:58,605
That will be $1,600.

100
00:03:58,607 --> 00:04:01,808
Great, I'd like your $8-est
bottle of wine, please.

101
00:04:01,810 --> 00:04:04,978
It's from the finest vineyard
in arkansas.

102
00:04:06,915 --> 00:04:08,848
Ah, samesies!

103
00:04:12,254 --> 00:04:13,453
Wow.

104
00:04:13,455 --> 00:04:15,421
Wow.

105
00:04:15,423 --> 00:04:16,756
Ah, welcome.

106
00:04:16,758 --> 00:04:17,757
Captain.

107
00:04:17,759 --> 00:04:19,425
Raymond!

108
00:04:19,427 --> 00:04:21,594
Those slacks
are a knockout.

109
00:04:21,596 --> 00:04:22,929
Come on, amy.

110
00:04:22,931 --> 00:04:24,597
I trust you found my home
easy to locate,

111
00:04:24,599 --> 00:04:26,432
And thank you all for wearing
appropriate footwear.

112
00:04:26,434 --> 00:04:28,301
Wow, you really
let your hair down

113
00:04:28,303 --> 00:04:29,569
When you're not
at the office.

114
00:04:29,571 --> 00:04:32,038
Ah, detectives,
meet my husband, Kevin.

115
00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:33,473
Nice to meet you.
Hi.

116
00:04:33,475 --> 00:04:35,675
Evening, so glad
you could make it.

117
00:04:35,677 --> 00:04:38,745
Ah, and look,
he brought us some wine.

118
00:04:38,747 --> 00:04:41,314
"drink." this is legally
called "wine drink."

119
00:04:41,316 --> 00:04:43,616
Hmm, how very thoughtful.
Thank you.

120
00:04:43,618 --> 00:04:45,918
It's red.
Like blood.

121
00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:47,053
You know, I worked
a double homicide

122
00:04:47,055 --> 00:04:48,454
On this block
a couple years ago.

123
00:04:48,456 --> 00:04:50,323
The details
will astound you.

124
00:04:50,325 --> 00:04:51,424
Yes, I am sorry.

125
00:04:51,426 --> 00:04:52,592
Perhaps Raymond
didn't say anything.

126
00:04:52,594 --> 00:04:54,627
Our home has
a "no shoptalk" policy.

127
00:04:54,629 --> 00:04:55,962
I don't bring home beowulf,

128
00:04:55,964 --> 00:04:57,297
And he doesn't bring home
cop stories.

129
00:04:57,299 --> 00:04:59,532
Ah.
So may I pour you

130
00:04:59,534 --> 00:05:01,901
Some of this wine drink
you brought us?

131
00:05:01,903 --> 00:05:03,836
Perhaps all of it?

132
00:05:03,838 --> 00:05:06,372
All of it sounds good.

133
00:05:07,508 --> 00:05:08,975
Actually, ray and I met
over the phone.

134
00:05:08,977 --> 00:05:10,410
Oh, they've all heard
the story.

135
00:05:10,412 --> 00:05:12,312
No, we haven't,
and we need to.

136
00:05:12,314 --> 00:05:14,480
Well, ray was a source
for an article I was writing

137
00:05:14,482 --> 00:05:15,648
For The New Yorker.

138
00:05:15,650 --> 00:05:17,350
I asked him a series
of dry questions

139
00:05:17,352 --> 00:05:19,986
About police work, and
his answers had me in stitches.

140
00:05:19,988 --> 00:05:21,321
There's no one funnier
than ray Holt.

141
00:05:21,323 --> 00:05:22,822
Amen.
There isn't?

142
00:05:22,824 --> 00:05:24,057
We met for a drink that night,

143
00:05:24,059 --> 00:05:25,058
And we've been together
ever since.

144
00:05:25,060 --> 00:05:26,693
Yeah.

145
00:05:26,695 --> 00:05:28,761
So, Kevin, I hear you're
a professor at columbia?

146
00:05:28,763 --> 00:05:30,663
That's right, yes.
I head the classics department.

147
00:05:30,665 --> 00:05:32,598
Ah, interesting,
classics.

148
00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:37,937
Zeppelin, Hendrix, Die Hard.
Total classics head over here.

149
00:05:37,939 --> 00:05:41,107
I'm joking, obviously.
I know what the classics are.

150
00:05:41,109 --> 00:05:44,410
The odyssey and...The one
you said when we got here,

151
00:05:44,412 --> 00:05:46,346
The wolf one.

152
00:05:46,348 --> 00:05:47,714
Kevin, why don't we go mingle

153
00:05:47,716 --> 00:05:50,383
And let the detectives
settle in?

154
00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:53,753
Boyle, what happened
to your shirt?

155
00:05:53,755 --> 00:05:55,722
I spilled
a wonderful winter salsa.

156
00:05:55,724 --> 00:05:57,757
Here, wear my shirt.
I was gonna take it off anyway.

157
00:05:57,759 --> 00:05:59,125
Hitchcock, no!

158
00:05:59,127 --> 00:06:01,361
Boyle, take my sweater.

159
00:06:02,963 --> 00:06:05,565
Fits really well.
We have similar physiques.

160
00:06:05,567 --> 00:06:06,966
We've been here
all of four minutes,

161
00:06:06,968 --> 00:06:09,969
And you guys have already
forgotten everything I said!

162
00:06:09,971 --> 00:06:12,038
Party huddle, stat!

163
00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:14,774
Okay, gang,
we need a new strategy.

164
00:06:14,776 --> 00:06:16,776
Totally.
What is going on out there?

165
00:06:16,778 --> 00:06:19,112
We can't tell cop stories,
Kevin doesn't find me charming,

166
00:06:19,114 --> 00:06:21,147
And a native english speaker
referred to captain Holt

167
00:06:21,149 --> 00:06:23,750
As "hilarious."
I am flummoxed!

168
00:06:23,752 --> 00:06:26,085
That's a word I learned
for this party, and I am it!

169
00:06:26,087 --> 00:06:28,154
Well, I'm doing fine.
Really?

170
00:06:28,156 --> 00:06:30,056
"Raymond, those slacks
are a knockout."

171
00:06:30,058 --> 00:06:31,557
do you think he heard that?

172
00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:32,592
Only 'cause you yelled it.

173
00:06:32,594 --> 00:06:33,893
Shut up.

174
00:06:33,895 --> 00:06:35,895
From now on,
we play to our strengths.

175
00:06:35,897 --> 00:06:37,764
Charles, you know everything
about food.

176
00:06:37,766 --> 00:06:39,098
That's all you talk about.

177
00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:42,135
Will ever know everything
about food.

178
00:06:42,137 --> 00:06:43,603
It's an evolving discipline.

179
00:06:43,605 --> 00:06:45,004
That's great stuff.

180
00:06:45,006 --> 00:06:47,073
It's so boring.
Don't waste it.

181
00:06:47,075 --> 00:06:48,741
Amy, you studied art history.

182
00:06:48,743 --> 00:06:49,942
That's interesting.

183
00:06:49,944 --> 00:06:51,744
Scully, opera.

184
00:06:51,746 --> 00:06:54,981
Hitchcock, nothing.
Talk about nothing.

185
00:06:54,983 --> 00:06:57,083
Rosa, stick with Gina.

186
00:06:57,085 --> 00:06:58,851
Make sure she doesn't say
anything insane

187
00:06:58,853 --> 00:06:59,852
Or steal anything.

188
00:06:59,854 --> 00:07:01,721
Too late.

189
00:07:01,723 --> 00:07:04,690
Don't worry, it's just, like,
hats and scarves and stuff.

190
00:07:04,692 --> 00:07:06,993
She will put those back.
I will handle the chitchat.

191
00:07:06,995 --> 00:07:08,561
Well, that just leaves you,
Peralta.

192
00:07:08,563 --> 00:07:10,730
What's your cultural specialty?

193
00:07:10,732 --> 00:07:12,131
Easy, Kevin mentioned
The New Yorker,

194
00:07:12,133 --> 00:07:14,066
And I've totally
read that.

195
00:07:18,072 --> 00:07:21,707
Keep a low profile,
chuckle at anecdotes.

196
00:07:21,709 --> 00:07:23,209
Try not to start
any conversations.

197
00:07:23,211 --> 00:07:24,877
Got it.

198
00:07:24,879 --> 00:07:27,146
Wait a minute,
you're Hitchcocking me?

199
00:07:27,148 --> 00:07:29,549
Well, not surprising.
We're practically twins.

200
00:07:29,551 --> 00:07:32,485
"be appropriate," on three.
Quietly.

201
00:07:32,487 --> 00:07:34,487
One, two, three.

202
00:07:34,489 --> 00:07:36,989
Be appropriate.

203
00:07:36,991 --> 00:07:38,691
Now, break it up.
We look weird.

204
00:07:38,693 --> 00:07:40,860
Okay.

205
00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:47,033
Don't move as a group.
You're not gazelles.

206
00:07:52,006 --> 00:07:54,107
No, no,
I said, "millimeters."

207
00:07:56,879 --> 00:07:59,846
Oh, Ray, I'm gonna choke
from laughter.

208
00:07:59,848 --> 00:08:01,014
You're too funny!

209
00:08:02,351 --> 00:08:05,952
Yes, great humor words,
Raymond.

210
00:08:05,954 --> 00:08:08,021
You know, it reminds me
of a very interesting article

211
00:08:08,023 --> 00:08:10,057
I read about human trafficking
in The New Yorker.

212
00:08:10,059 --> 00:08:11,224
No, it doesn't.
Oh.

213
00:08:11,226 --> 00:08:12,926
The one written
by David Remnick.

214
00:08:12,928 --> 00:08:14,795
I loved that piece,
from four weeks ago.

215
00:08:14,797 --> 00:08:17,330
Or was it three weeks?
No, four.

216
00:08:17,332 --> 00:08:19,733
Anyways, I was riveted.

217
00:08:19,735 --> 00:08:21,902
I'm a huge New Yorker guy.

218
00:08:21,904 --> 00:08:23,870
I could talk
about that article for hours.

219
00:08:23,872 --> 00:08:25,038
Great.
That's unnecessary.

220
00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:26,039
Let's do that right now.

221
00:08:26,041 --> 00:08:27,774
Let's do.

222
00:08:27,776 --> 00:08:30,210
Ah, there they are.
Kevin, let's greet our guests.

223
00:08:30,212 --> 00:08:32,446
Oh. Mm-hmm.
Duty calls.

224
00:08:33,715 --> 00:08:35,148
To be continued.

225
00:08:35,150 --> 00:08:38,118
Totes!
Can't wait!

226
00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:39,853
I can wait.

227
00:08:39,855 --> 00:08:41,321
All I remember
about that article is the title.

228
00:08:41,323 --> 00:08:43,156
I was hopped up
on nitrous.

229
00:08:43,158 --> 00:08:44,858
Well, we gotta find
that magazine.

230
00:08:44,860 --> 00:08:46,026
It's gotta be in here
somewhere, right?

231
00:08:46,028 --> 00:08:48,328
This place is like
a candy store for nerds.

232
00:08:48,330 --> 00:08:51,898
Stop eating crab wrong!

233
00:08:53,501 --> 00:08:57,170
Ah, pepper relish
on your arancini.

234
00:08:57,172 --> 00:08:59,172
Very playful.
Cut through the richness,

235
00:08:59,174 --> 00:09:01,174
Add a little levity.
I love that.

236
00:09:01,176 --> 00:09:03,009
You really know your food.

237
00:09:03,011 --> 00:09:04,044
Well, you could say
it's the only thing

238
00:09:04,046 --> 00:09:05,245
I'm allowed to talk about.

239
00:09:05,247 --> 00:09:07,781
I'm Charles.
I work with captain Holt.

240
00:09:07,783 --> 00:09:10,784
I'm vivian ludley.
I work with Kevin.

241
00:09:10,786 --> 00:09:12,953
No.
The vivian ludley?

242
00:09:12,955 --> 00:09:15,021
Author of stone fruits
and stone-stones:

243
00:09:15,023 --> 00:09:18,091
Food of the paleolithic era?
I'm a huge fan!

244
00:09:18,093 --> 00:09:20,393
It's got the best recipes
for making salads out of moss.

245
00:09:20,395 --> 00:09:24,798
The trick is, you have
to lean into the dirt taste.

246
00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:27,000
Aha.
Mm-hmm.

247
00:09:27,002 --> 00:09:31,404
Chickpeas, tahini,
smoked paprika...

248
00:09:31,406 --> 00:09:33,240
They make their own hummus.

249
00:09:33,242 --> 00:09:34,941
Santiago?

250
00:09:34,943 --> 00:09:35,942
Sergeant!

251
00:09:35,944 --> 00:09:37,511
I'm learning so much.

252
00:09:37,513 --> 00:09:40,781
We both have blue hand towels,
we have the same microwave,

253
00:09:40,783 --> 00:09:43,416
And once I buy coasters
made out of geodes,

254
00:09:43,418 --> 00:09:44,417
We'll both have those.

255
00:09:44,419 --> 00:09:46,153
Yeah.

256
00:09:46,155 --> 00:09:48,522
No, hey!
My notes!

257
00:09:48,524 --> 00:09:51,324
This is a birthday party,
not a recon mission.

258
00:09:51,326 --> 00:09:54,461
You can get this back
at the end of the night.

259
00:09:54,463 --> 00:09:56,129
All right.

260
00:09:56,131 --> 00:09:57,097
Let's go interact
with these dummies.

261
00:09:57,099 --> 00:09:58,498
Wait here.

262
00:10:00,401 --> 00:10:02,002
What do you teach?

263
00:10:02,004 --> 00:10:03,170
Comparative historiography

264
00:10:03,172 --> 00:10:04,971
Of the French
and American revolutions.

265
00:10:04,973 --> 00:10:06,406
Nope.
How 'bout you?

266
00:10:06,408 --> 00:10:08,108
Molecular biology.

267
00:10:08,110 --> 00:10:10,010
Worse.
What do you study?

268
00:10:10,012 --> 00:10:11,812
Abnormal psychology.

269
00:10:11,814 --> 00:10:14,581
So, like,
weirdos and freaks.

270
00:10:14,583 --> 00:10:16,049
You should meet my friend.

271
00:10:16,051 --> 00:10:18,852
Hey.

272
00:10:18,854 --> 00:10:20,587
Gina, what are you
thinking about right now?

273
00:10:20,589 --> 00:10:24,825
I was thinking how I would make
the perfect american president,

274
00:10:24,827 --> 00:10:29,496
Based upon my skill set,
dance ability, and bloodlust.

275
00:10:29,498 --> 00:10:32,966
That is fascinating.

276
00:10:34,102 --> 00:10:36,236
"ah-shan-ti."

277
00:10:40,975 --> 00:10:45,145
Oh, man, it's black Tom Selleck
and white Sidney Poitier.

278
00:10:45,147 --> 00:10:48,114
Come on.

279
00:10:48,116 --> 00:10:49,883
All books and no magazines?

280
00:10:49,885 --> 00:10:52,986
What kind of crappy library's
full of books?

281
00:10:52,988 --> 00:10:55,121
A crap library.

282
00:10:55,123 --> 00:10:56,857
All of the magazines
are in the bathroom.

283
00:10:56,859 --> 00:10:58,425
Great solve, Peralta.

284
00:10:58,427 --> 00:10:59,492
Ah!

285
00:10:59,494 --> 00:11:00,894
Can I help you?

286
00:11:00,896 --> 00:11:02,162
Captain.

287
00:11:02,164 --> 00:11:04,231
I didn't hear you
silently sneak up on me.

288
00:11:04,233 --> 00:11:07,100
Oh, that reminds me, tell Kevin
that I am available for brunch

289
00:11:07,102 --> 00:11:08,101
On Sunday the 17th.

290
00:11:08,103 --> 00:11:10,070
The 17th is a Tuesday.

291
00:11:10,072 --> 00:11:13,106
Why are you talking about
The New Yorker all of a sudden?

292
00:11:13,108 --> 00:11:14,875
I always talk
about smart stuff.

293
00:11:14,877 --> 00:11:17,510
You know, the jazz age,
what's in a name,

294
00:11:17,512 --> 00:11:20,981
The 1950s movies
that are from the '50s.

295
00:11:20,983 --> 00:11:24,084
Those were the categories
on Jeopardy last night.

296
00:11:24,086 --> 00:11:25,552
Don't try so hard
to impress my husband.

297
00:11:25,554 --> 00:11:27,621
Yes, sir.

298
00:11:30,024 --> 00:11:32,158
To the crap library.

299
00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:36,062
April 13th, May 2nd...

300
00:11:36,064 --> 00:11:38,999
Come on! Why doesn't my life
always work out perfectly?

301
00:11:40,402 --> 00:11:43,503
Uh, just a second!
I'm halfway done!

302
00:11:43,505 --> 00:11:46,039
I'm halfway there,
I'm halfway done...

303
00:11:46,041 --> 00:11:49,342
With what's happening
in here.
Okay.

304
00:11:49,344 --> 00:11:54,247
♪ una furtiva lagrima ♪

305
00:11:54,249 --> 00:11:56,182
This song gets to me
every time.

306
00:11:56,184 --> 00:11:58,652
It's beautiful.
You must be so proud.

307
00:11:58,654 --> 00:12:00,020
I sure am.

308
00:12:00,022 --> 00:12:01,588
How long have you two
been together?

309
00:12:01,590 --> 00:12:03,556
We've been partners
for almost 30 years.

310
00:12:03,558 --> 00:12:06,226
So do you two ever
get harassed at work?

311
00:12:06,228 --> 00:12:08,261
Harassed?
For what?

312
00:12:08,263 --> 00:12:11,398
For being a gay couple
who works together in the nypd.

313
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:15,235
Bu-u-u-ooh...

314
00:12:15,237 --> 00:12:18,104
Peralta.
Hey, don't you one-minute me.

315
00:12:18,106 --> 00:12:20,240
I will break that finger off.
Hang up that phone.

316
00:12:20,242 --> 00:12:22,075
I'm talking
to my credit card company.

317
00:12:22,077 --> 00:12:24,010
I tried to get an online
subscription to The New Yorker,

318
00:12:24,012 --> 00:12:25,312
And they declined me.

319
00:12:25,314 --> 00:12:27,247
Apparently,
based on my previous purchases,

320
00:12:27,249 --> 00:12:28,615
They assumed it was fraud.

321
00:12:28,617 --> 00:12:30,417
That's crazy.
I'm fancy.

322
00:12:30,419 --> 00:12:33,119
One time, I had
coffee-flavored ice cream.

323
00:12:33,121 --> 00:12:34,287
Shut up!
Okay.

324
00:12:34,289 --> 00:12:36,189
Hang up now.

325
00:12:36,191 --> 00:12:38,191
If you're that desperate,
the first two paragraphs

326
00:12:38,193 --> 00:12:39,659
Of the article
are on the free site.

327
00:12:39,661 --> 00:12:41,461
Hmm.
You have one minute
to look it up,

328
00:12:41,463 --> 00:12:45,098
And then if I catch you
on that phone again...

329
00:12:45,100 --> 00:12:47,067
Oh, my.
Don't worry.

330
00:12:47,069 --> 00:12:50,603
I'm due for an upgrade,
and my babies are on the cloud.

331
00:12:52,306 --> 00:12:54,207
He is so strong.

332
00:12:56,344 --> 00:12:57,577
Ah, thank you.

333
00:12:57,579 --> 00:12:59,079
Lovely party, Kevin.

334
00:12:59,081 --> 00:13:01,748
These tiny pickles
are hilarious.

335
00:13:01,750 --> 00:13:05,452
They're called cornichon.

336
00:13:05,454 --> 00:13:07,687
So that New Yorker article
about human trafficking

337
00:13:07,689 --> 00:13:09,356
We were discussing--
yes, so interesting,

338
00:13:09,358 --> 00:13:11,658
Especially
the first two paragraphs.

339
00:13:11,660 --> 00:13:13,493
Right, but what did you think
of the thesis,

340
00:13:13,495 --> 00:13:16,629
Vis-a-vis modern slavery and its
undeniable role in the economy?

341
00:13:16,631 --> 00:13:18,598
Good.

342
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:21,201
If you ask me, the whole thesis
was way off base,

343
00:13:21,203 --> 00:13:23,003
Vis-a-vis
the rest of the article

344
00:13:23,005 --> 00:13:26,539
Vis-a-vis...America.

345
00:13:27,608 --> 00:13:29,442
The article
was antislavery.

346
00:13:29,444 --> 00:13:31,244
Are you saying
that slavery is good?

347
00:13:31,246 --> 00:13:32,679
You know, I think you're missing
the point of the article.

348
00:13:32,681 --> 00:13:34,180
You must not be
remembering it right.

349
00:13:34,182 --> 00:13:36,149
Well, I just read it
last night as I got in bed.

350
00:13:36,151 --> 00:13:37,150
It's quite fresh
in my memory.

351
00:13:37,152 --> 00:13:39,019
Ah.
You know,

352
00:13:39,021 --> 00:13:40,754
I would like to hear
more of your thoughts.

353
00:13:40,756 --> 00:13:42,555
And I would love
to give them to you,

354
00:13:42,557 --> 00:13:44,791
But unfortunately, I have
got to hit the crap library.

355
00:13:44,793 --> 00:13:47,594
Excuse me one second.

356
00:13:47,596 --> 00:13:50,096
My last meal on earth?
Mm.

357
00:13:50,098 --> 00:13:51,498
That's a great question.

358
00:13:51,500 --> 00:13:54,768
I'd go classic french.
Ortolan.

359
00:13:54,770 --> 00:13:57,504
Tiny songbird,
eaten in a single bite,

360
00:13:57,506 --> 00:14:00,040
Bones and all
in open defiance of god.

361
00:14:00,042 --> 00:14:01,808
It's illegal
to consume ortolan,

362
00:14:01,810 --> 00:14:05,412
But I actually got academic
dispensation to eat one once.

363
00:14:05,414 --> 00:14:07,714
Ohh.
The beak, very crunchy.

364
00:14:07,716 --> 00:14:11,684
That is literally the sexiest
thing anyone has ever said.

365
00:14:11,686 --> 00:14:13,153
How are you single?

366
00:14:13,155 --> 00:14:16,589
You're not seeing anyone?

367
00:14:18,692 --> 00:14:22,128
No.
There is nobody in my life.

368
00:14:23,798 --> 00:14:27,067
Sort of a sad thing
to wink about, I realize now.

369
00:14:27,069 --> 00:14:28,735
Aren't you supposed to be
babysitting Gina?

370
00:14:28,737 --> 00:14:30,570
Doesn't need my help.

371
00:14:30,572 --> 00:14:32,772
She's over there,
dazzling some psychologists.

372
00:14:32,774 --> 00:14:35,375
All men are at least 30%
attracted to me.

373
00:14:35,377 --> 00:14:37,410
My mother cried
the day I was born,

374
00:14:37,412 --> 00:14:40,513
Because she knew she would
never be better than me.

375
00:14:40,515 --> 00:14:42,816
At any given moment,
I'm thinking about one thing:

376
00:14:42,818 --> 00:14:46,386
Richard dreyfuss hunkered over
eating dog food.

377
00:14:46,388 --> 00:14:49,322
I feel like
I'm the paris of people.

378
00:14:49,324 --> 00:14:51,758
Complete overlap of ego and id.

379
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:53,126
It's been theorized,

380
00:14:53,128 --> 00:14:54,861
But I never thought
I'd see it.

381
00:14:54,863 --> 00:14:56,162
I'm exquisite.

382
00:15:02,237 --> 00:15:04,237
I can't believe
I'm frenching in the closet.

383
00:15:04,239 --> 00:15:05,805
I feel like a teenager!

384
00:15:05,807 --> 00:15:07,740
I feel like I'm 40 again.

385
00:15:07,742 --> 00:15:08,775
Chew on this shiso leaf.

386
00:15:08,777 --> 00:15:10,743
It'll give our kissing

387
00:15:10,745 --> 00:15:12,645
Umami flavor.

388
00:15:19,153 --> 00:15:21,354
Delicious.

389
00:15:22,623 --> 00:15:25,692
Time to put my newfound
knowledge to the test.

390
00:15:25,694 --> 00:15:29,863
So, sir, popcorn setting,
always too short, am I right?

391
00:15:29,865 --> 00:15:31,598
I'm sorry?

392
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:34,267
On our microwave.
We have the same microwave.

393
00:15:34,269 --> 00:15:37,737
Oh, I didn't buy it.
It came with the house.

394
00:15:37,739 --> 00:15:40,640
Hummus.
Thoughts?

395
00:15:40,642 --> 00:15:43,877
I have no thoughts
about hummus.

396
00:15:43,879 --> 00:15:45,645
If you'll excuse me.

397
00:15:45,647 --> 00:15:47,514
Yeah.

398
00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:51,551
Blink twice if you'd like me
to mercy kill you.

399
00:15:51,553 --> 00:15:52,819
I thought I had done
enough recon,

400
00:15:52,821 --> 00:15:55,655
But clearly, I have only
scratched the surface.

401
00:15:55,657 --> 00:15:58,158
If I'm gonna bond with him,

402
00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:00,693
I have to massively violate
his privacy.

403
00:16:00,695 --> 00:16:02,629
But truffaut
wrote breathless,

404
00:16:02,631 --> 00:16:05,165
And I've always considered
movies a writer's medium.

405
00:16:05,167 --> 00:16:08,334
I can't agree.
It's godard's film.

406
00:16:08,336 --> 00:16:09,702
Come on!

407
00:16:09,704 --> 00:16:11,738
I mean, truffaut
is also important.

408
00:16:11,740 --> 00:16:14,841
Seriously?
Hold this, I gotta go.

409
00:16:16,710 --> 00:16:19,479
Wow.
Maybe it is truffaut's film.

410
00:16:19,481 --> 00:16:22,515
Mighty dvr, tell me
the captain's secrets.

411
00:16:22,517 --> 00:16:24,317
Unveil yourself to me.

412
00:16:24,319 --> 00:16:26,953
Ooh, how it's made:
Contact lenses.

413
00:16:26,955 --> 00:16:29,422
Bingo!

414
00:16:30,492 --> 00:16:31,658
What are you doing here?

415
00:16:31,660 --> 00:16:33,893
I--what? I'm not.
What are you doing here?

416
00:16:33,895 --> 00:16:35,795
I need to find a New Yorker
that Kevin left by the bed,

417
00:16:35,797 --> 00:16:38,565
So I can justify
this whole proslavery stance

418
00:16:38,567 --> 00:16:39,699
I've backed myself into.

419
00:16:40,702 --> 00:16:42,502
Detectives!

420
00:16:42,504 --> 00:16:43,870
Sarge! I see that you,

421
00:16:43,872 --> 00:16:47,240
Like I, came up here
to chastise Santiago.

422
00:16:47,242 --> 00:16:49,409
Amy, this is low,
even for you.

423
00:16:49,411 --> 00:16:52,212
I cannot believe
you would both violate

424
00:16:52,214 --> 00:16:53,613
The "please stay downstairs"
rule,

425
00:16:53,615 --> 00:16:55,215
Which was prominently posted!

426
00:16:55,217 --> 00:16:57,417
Get outta here!

427
00:16:57,419 --> 00:16:59,552
I don't know why we have to
have this discussion again.

428
00:16:59,554 --> 00:17:00,553
What do we do?

429
00:17:00,555 --> 00:17:02,655
Bathroom! Bathroom.

430
00:17:05,426 --> 00:17:06,859
Why are you upset with me?

431
00:17:06,861 --> 00:17:08,661
Your employees are the ones
putting a damper on the party.

432
00:17:08,663 --> 00:17:10,396
They are acting terribly.

433
00:17:10,398 --> 00:17:11,764
You're the one who's been
acting terribly tonight.

434
00:17:11,766 --> 00:17:13,866
You've been curt and snobby
with my guests.

435
00:17:13,868 --> 00:17:15,735
You've been needling
poor Peralta so much,

436
00:17:15,737 --> 00:17:17,437
You've practically
made him a new suit.

437
00:17:17,439 --> 00:17:18,771
Needled him a new suit.

438
00:17:18,773 --> 00:17:20,506
Even when we're fighting,
you're hilarious.

439
00:17:20,508 --> 00:17:22,342
Stop it.
Stop it.

440
00:17:22,344 --> 00:17:25,578
Oh, no!
Dog, allergies, sneezing.

441
00:17:25,580 --> 00:17:26,679
No! Get away!

442
00:17:26,681 --> 00:17:27,680
Shh.

443
00:17:27,682 --> 00:17:29,616
Grab the dog!

444
00:17:33,387 --> 00:17:34,787
Look at me.

445
00:17:34,789 --> 00:17:37,790
Do not blow this for us.

446
00:17:37,792 --> 00:17:39,425
You know what, I knew
this wasn't going to work.

447
00:17:39,427 --> 00:17:41,294
It never has.
We should've just gone out

448
00:17:41,296 --> 00:17:42,695
For dinner to a restaurant,
like we do every year.

449
00:17:42,697 --> 00:17:44,497
Why did you make me
invite them?

450
00:17:44,499 --> 00:17:46,532
I made you invite them
because I like them.

451
00:17:46,534 --> 00:17:47,800
They're good people.

452
00:17:51,673 --> 00:17:53,773
Santiago, are you hiding
in my bathroom

453
00:17:53,775 --> 00:17:56,709
With a dog that
you're deathly allergic to?

454
00:17:56,711 --> 00:17:58,044
No.

455
00:18:02,750 --> 00:18:04,751
Occupied?

456
00:18:07,189 --> 00:18:08,890
Well, this has been
a stinky 12 hours.

457
00:18:08,892 --> 00:18:10,525
My computer bag got a hole
in the bottom,

458
00:18:10,527 --> 00:18:12,160
And my power cord
fell out.

459
00:18:12,162 --> 00:18:14,328
Last night
was such a disaster.

460
00:18:14,330 --> 00:18:16,464
I wheeze-cried myself
to sleep.

461
00:18:16,466 --> 00:18:18,332
Well, at least captain
said he liked us,

462
00:18:18,334 --> 00:18:20,034
Right before he kicked us
out of his house

463
00:18:20,036 --> 00:18:21,269
For violating his trust.

464
00:18:21,271 --> 00:18:23,171
Why didn't Kevin
want to invite us?

465
00:18:23,173 --> 00:18:25,339
We could have been
really cool people.

466
00:18:25,341 --> 00:18:27,542
We weren't,
but we could've been.

467
00:18:27,544 --> 00:18:29,977
Well, as soon as he unveiled
his "no cop talk" policy,

468
00:18:29,979 --> 00:18:31,412
I was sunk.

469
00:18:31,414 --> 00:18:33,381
Gruesome murders are
the cornerstone of my charm.

470
00:18:33,383 --> 00:18:35,249
Well, he spent the last 30 years
with a cop.

471
00:18:35,251 --> 00:18:37,385
Maybe he's sick
of hearing about it.

472
00:18:37,387 --> 00:18:39,287
Wait.

473
00:18:39,289 --> 00:18:41,989
Maybe that's not
what he's sick of.

474
00:18:41,991 --> 00:18:44,959
Santiago, you brilliant bastard,
you figured it out!

475
00:18:49,264 --> 00:18:51,465
Hello again,
professor Kevin Cozner.

476
00:18:51,467 --> 00:18:53,167
What do you want?

477
00:18:53,169 --> 00:18:55,903
I'd like to tell you
about a case I solved.

478
00:18:55,905 --> 00:18:57,405
Thank you,
but just as with my home,

479
00:18:57,407 --> 00:18:59,407
My office has a strict
"no cop talk" policy.

480
00:18:59,409 --> 00:19:01,242
I figured, but the case
that I have solved

481
00:19:01,244 --> 00:19:03,444
Is the case
of the "no cop talk" policy.

482
00:19:03,446 --> 00:19:06,414
There were three things that
bothered me about last night:

483
00:19:06,416 --> 00:19:08,316
You didn't want the nine-nine
at your party,

484
00:19:08,318 --> 00:19:10,117
Even though
you'd never met us,

485
00:19:10,119 --> 00:19:11,552
Your friends immediately
asked Hitchcock and Scully

486
00:19:11,554 --> 00:19:13,254
If they were harassed,

487
00:19:13,256 --> 00:19:14,488
And there was
something interesting

488
00:19:14,490 --> 00:19:16,490
About that photo
in your library--

489
00:19:16,492 --> 00:19:18,926
You and the captain
were shunted off to the side.

490
00:19:18,928 --> 00:19:20,428
I don't think
you dislike cop talk.

491
00:19:20,430 --> 00:19:22,263
I think you dislike cops.

492
00:19:22,265 --> 00:19:24,031
I'm married to one.

493
00:19:24,033 --> 00:19:25,933
I know, and I can't imagine
it's been fun

494
00:19:25,935 --> 00:19:28,502
Watching the man you love
marGinalized, underappreciated,

495
00:19:28,504 --> 00:19:30,438
And disrespected
by the nypd.

496
00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:32,406
Because he's gay, Raymond
has been put through hell

497
00:19:32,408 --> 00:19:34,175
By his colleagues,
many of whom,

498
00:19:34,177 --> 00:19:36,077
Quite frankly,
look exactly like you.

499
00:19:36,079 --> 00:19:38,913
Devastatingly handsome?

500
00:19:38,915 --> 00:19:40,381
I'm sorry,
I'm uncomfortable with emotions.

501
00:19:40,383 --> 00:19:42,450
So yes, I decided
a long time ago

502
00:19:42,452 --> 00:19:44,252
That just because
I love Raymond

503
00:19:44,254 --> 00:19:47,154
Doesn't mean I have to love
the people he works with.

504
00:19:47,156 --> 00:19:48,456
Good solve, detective.

505
00:19:48,458 --> 00:19:50,157
Nice cop lingo.

506
00:19:50,159 --> 00:19:53,494
Look, I'm really sorry
that we ruined your party.

507
00:19:53,496 --> 00:19:55,296
I'd like to make it up
to you.

508
00:19:55,298 --> 00:19:57,598
Captain, thank you
for joining us.

509
00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:59,033
What's going on?

510
00:19:59,035 --> 00:20:00,401
A proper birthday dinner.

511
00:20:00,403 --> 00:20:02,003
Amy chose the restaurant.

512
00:20:02,005 --> 00:20:03,504
Captain.

513
00:20:03,506 --> 00:20:06,274
Ah, perfect.
I've always wanted to come here.

514
00:20:06,276 --> 00:20:07,575
Boyle picked the menu.

515
00:20:07,577 --> 00:20:09,377
Vivian helped.

516
00:20:09,379 --> 00:20:11,579
Terry chose the champagne.

517
00:20:11,581 --> 00:20:13,981
I'm sorry
about your party, sir.

518
00:20:13,983 --> 00:20:16,484
I tried to keep them in line,
but I failed.

519
00:20:16,486 --> 00:20:18,252
Well, that's not your job.
I'm only sorry

520
00:20:18,254 --> 00:20:19,487
You didn't get a chance
to enjoy yourself.

521
00:20:19,489 --> 00:20:21,989
Gina has brought back
all the silverware

522
00:20:21,991 --> 00:20:23,658
That she stole
from your house.

523
00:20:25,494 --> 00:20:28,562
What?
Also, this clock.

524
00:20:28,564 --> 00:20:29,563
Good heavens.

525
00:20:29,565 --> 00:20:31,165
This isn't ours.

526
00:20:31,167 --> 00:20:33,100
And my contribution
will be to refrain

527
00:20:33,102 --> 00:20:36,504
From discussing The New Yorker
for the rest of my living days.

528
00:20:36,506 --> 00:20:38,706
Enjoy.
Thank you, jake.

529
00:20:38,708 --> 00:20:40,474
You're welcome, Kevin.
Call me "Kev."

530
00:20:40,476 --> 00:20:42,343
Oh.
What?

531
00:20:42,345 --> 00:20:44,011
Oh, he told you to say that,
didn't he?

532
00:20:44,013 --> 00:20:46,180
Well, you are always playing
pranks on me, Raymond.

533
00:20:46,182 --> 00:20:47,381
Just once, let me
be the funny one.

534
00:20:48,651 --> 00:20:50,484
And finally,
it is my great pleasure

535
00:20:50,486 --> 00:20:53,454
To introduce the nine-nine zone
detective Scully

536
00:20:53,456 --> 00:20:55,489
To serenade you.

537
00:20:55,491 --> 00:20:59,160
♪ ma n'atu sole ♪

538
00:20:59,162 --> 00:21:02,530
♪ cchiu bello, oi ne'

539
00:21:02,532 --> 00:21:04,999
♪ o sole mio ♪

540
00:21:05,001 --> 00:21:07,501
♪ sta 'nfronte a te ♪

541
00:21:07,503 --> 00:21:09,003
This part
always gets me.

542
00:21:09,005 --> 00:21:14,608
♪ o sole
o sole mio ♪

9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
www.tvsubtitles.net